So I just got back from some time overseas, and my 1999 Ranger has been idling for about 9 months. I went to reconnect the battery and start her up to get her moving, and something strange happened.

The Horn blares, Both Turn Signals are illuminated on the front and rear of the vehicle (Solid, no strobe) The Wipers, and Fluid Pumps are Going, all the Dash Lights are Illuminated and The Starter Motor Spins, but the engine doesn't turn over. Additionally, none of the internal controls are working, save for the headlight ****.

I tested all the fuses in the engine compartment, but I don't have a way to test the Relays right now- For some reason, I can't test any of the fuses in the passenger compartment with my test light- even with a confirmable good ground, I get nothing.

I worry that due to the climate in the Garage where I was storing it, one of my ground connections shorted and I zapped something important.

Does anyone know what the problem is or where I can start to troubleshoot this?

 

Well I would pull all the fuses in the engine bay panel, take a picture or get a map of where each one goes.

Then hook up battery and start installing the biggest amp fuses first, they power some of the smaller amp fuses.

And see where that leads you.

Is there a factory or 3rd part alarm system?

 

Nope, no anti-theft system that I am aware of atleast. I tried looking for the alarm button and a couple of tricks from some other posts around the forums. Using the FOB, lock/unlock passenger door, connecting battery with the keys in the ignition.

I worry I fried something in my wiring harness or somewhere in the dash.

I'll give your suggestion a shot when I get back to the garage.

I tested all the fuses, but if it's something in a circuit, I guess I'm SOL.

 

By removing the fuses and then adding them back one by one you can ID which circuit has the problem.

Could even be ignition switch wiring under steering column or in Cab fuse box

 

Might look at the harnesses to see if you had some hungry rodents visit during your time away. Happened to me with a 2013 explorer with less than 2500 miles. They ate at the harness and shorted out a whole bunch of accessories.

 

Just check the battery to see if it is fully charged, a severely discharged battery can cause many problems.

also check for corrosion at the battery cable ends