So I got my hands on a 2.5L 01 Ranger that's been sitting a good 3 years, under premise that "it's just the starter". It had a breathalyzer on it that prevented the owner from using it. Did the legal hoop jump to get permission to remove it, and got to work.

Starter pulled, not a problem with it whatsoever.
Starter put back in.
No fuel pump sound, I hear? Jumped the fuel pump at the relay with a jumper wire, and checked for voltage at the pump. 12v, no pump, replaced the pump.
While I was at it I pulled all the old gas out of it, which was near a full tank, and put 5 gal fresh fuel in it, and changed the plugs and wires to see where it would go. After a no start again, I checked the coil packs to see if I was getting spark from each of them.
Bueno. Seems like the ignition system is working.
I put a screwdriver to the #1 injector to see if I could hear it clicking. Again bueno. Some have already told me to check the crank and cam sensors, but if they were dead, wouldn't that mean I couldn't get spark while cranking?

TL;DR:
No start
Pump replaced and runs
New plugs/wires
Has spark
Maintains fuel pressure
Don't have a compression tester, it's on order and on its way so I can test for compression, but the motor only had 98K on it and I'm told the Lima engines are bulletproof.

 

Need the big 3:
Fuel
Spark
Compression

Fuel line/filter could be clogged up.

After cranking engine pull out a spark plug and see if it is wet with fuel.

Try putting some starting fluid or gas in the intake and then cranking, to see if it fires.

2.5l is a non-interference engine so valves and pistons don't share the same space in the cylinder, this means the valves can be out of time with the crank(timing belt issue) which gives very low compression and a no start with fuel and spark both working.
Check compression, 2.5l should be above 160psi

 

I went ahead and ran a compression test off a borrowed tester... 1st cylinder - 30; 2 - 0; 3 -; 4 - well before I pulled the fourth spark plug out I looked down and ran my finger across the sprocket that held the timing belt, just on a whim after thinking there's no way this thing has zero compression, and found the timing belt moved. I pulled back a piece of the cover and the belt could be removed with one finger, torn.

Guess that's that. I'll throw a new one on and see if it cures the problem.